How are you?
Managing and communicating your emotions during a global pandemic (7 Min Read)
I love a confessional, so I am going to start with one! When you ask someone, “How are you?” You expect “a canned response” such as, “Fine”, “Good”, “Well”, “OK”, “Not too bad”, “AWFUL!” - What?! Well, that was unexpected! When someone volunteers more than a stock response the conversation suddenly becomes awkward. And you think, “I only asked, “How are you”, Not tell me your life story”! Oh, the irony being, we ask, “How are you?” as a throw away, polite piece of etiquette, where we don’t truly want to hear the response as that would be down right scary and deeply un-British! To talk about emotions, “ick, ewe, come on, pull yourself together ……” GUILTY, I have been part of that rat race of asking the question and not stopping to truly listen, not wanting to invite others to talk about their emotions, or mine for that matter. I mean definitely not!
You may identify with some of the lyrics from the Kinks song, “How are you?”
“It's been a while, I haven't seen you for at least
A year or more, or is it less? I can't be sure
Well, anyway, you must have heard about the
Troubles that I had, but somehow I got through
I always managed to... and by the way
How are you?
How is your life?
How is it going?
Are you still dreaming and making big plans?”
We are being forced to be “socially distant”, there are so many layers to that without even scratching the surface. Being physically apart, being forced to stay away from loved ones that don’t live in the same household, banned from expressing care and compassion through touch for those we don’t live in the same household. The list could go on.
Today’s blog is encouraging you to go deeper when asking, “How are you?” and finding a safe comfortable way for you to listen actively and be comfortable with another person’s emotional response. Let’s start with looking at some common emotions in the Mood Meter infographic below, adapted from, “Permission to Feel”, By Marc Brackett, Ph.D.
THE MOOD METER
What is active “listening”?
Active listening is as it might sound! However, it is very hard to practice, because our minds are “busy” and often filled with many other distractions. However, I like this description, because it demonstrates the skills we are trying to practice when we are doing it correctly.
We may also need to “hold space” for another person, and this is creating a “safe space” for another person to share their emotions, feelings or problems.
What is holding a “safe space”?
The concept of “holding a safe space”, is the notion that we want to create a space for ourselves and the person we are talking with to talk about sensitive and difficult issues honestly and openly. In order to do this you need to set ground rules when you feel that you are entering this type of conversation. Some examples of statements you may like to talk about and discuss are:
I will listen without judgement
Nothing you say is wrong
It ok to share your emotions openly
If during the course of the conversation that you have with another person you hear things that raise cause for concern, please tell the person at this point you are concerned and talk through options they have about seeking professional help or alerting relevant authorities.
Let me share my own experience of being a Coach and coming to the realisation that as resilient as I am, I am also impacted by COVID-19. I acknowledge and realise that my deep resilience can sometimes be overwhelming and I must show that I am vulnerable too. When I ask clients “How are they?”, I don’t rush it, listen actively and share trulely “how I am, both good and bad”.
So today, I am going to give you 3 tips for having an empathetic chat about, “How are you?”
1 “Prepare to listen” - Physically
So what I mean by this is turn off and clear away any notifications, close your laptop, book, notepad or anything that is not essential for the conversation. Find a place where you are comfortable, able to hear and makes you feel safe.
2 “Prepare to listen” - Mentally
Clear your mind of your own personal “to do list”, “issues” and create some space in your mind that is clear, “open and ready to receive”. Be aware that you really need to focus your mind on what is being said, so practice being present and growing in awareness of yourself. If you catch yourself drifting, acknowledge that and say to the person, “my focus on you was broken”, “please can you repeat yourself, thank you”.
3 Be Kind to yourself
As I always say, you’ve got to be kind to yourself and acknowledge that you’ve been through a lot. You need to take care of yourself, so that you can take care of your family and friends. Embed weekly, daily or whatever frequency works for you, of some kind of self care activity.
Resources
Address Stress - Mental Health First Aid England
Mind Mental Health Charity - How to manage stress
Contact the Samaritans - Confidential advice