How to triumph against the self-saboteur within you
An acknowledgement that sometimes you are more than just “your own worst critic” and that you can become confident in backing yourself during a global health pandemic. (9 min read)
Self-doubt. Fear of failure and negative thoughts. I’ve had them. Recently as I have been pushing to reach further and to aim higher for myself, I’ve wondered “have I bitten off more than I can chew”? “Am I really going to reach the high goals that I’ve set for myself”. “Or will something seriously go wrong”? Well you know I for one am not one to dwell in the pit of negativity for long! As I know that ultimately it does not serve me. Nonetheless I am sure that you can identify with some of these thoughts. So without further ado, the theme for this week’s blog is how you can “triumph against the self-saboteur within you”. Wow, that sounds deep! What is self-sabotage? What can I do if I think I do this to myself? We’ll look at what being a self-saboteur is and what tools you can use to “fight against it and win”! I think we’re definitely going to need a powerful and up-lifting song to help us get into a confident frame of mind to slay this personal demon. I hope you’ll be inspired by the lyrics of Lighthouse Family, “High”.
“Don’t you think it’s time you started
Doing what we always wanted
One day we’re gonna get so high
‘Cause even the impossible is easy
When we got eachother
One day we’re gonna get so high”
Today’s blog is to encourage you to acknowledge your “doubts and fears” and to think about how negative thinking adversely impacts you. We’re going to explore the signs to look out for “what is self-sabotage” and what you can do to combat it. We’ll do this by looking at the following topics:
Self-Sabotage
Negative thought patterns
Fear of Failure
Self-Sabotage
If you’ve ever heard Pink’s Song, “Don’t let me get me”, when she openly talks about the feelings of being her own worst enemy and the internal battle she has with herself regarding not doing the things that set her back and don’t help her to advance forward. She describes in her mind how she does not win at life, her negative feelings about herself and how she’s “a hazard to herself”. It’s a complicated issue which can manifest itself in a number of ways which include:
Anxiety
Low Self-Confidence
Depression
Negative Self-talk
Self-Harm
It is a spectrum which can be moderate to severe as the aforementioned list gives some examples. If you are experiencing the severe end of the spectrum, please do have a conversation with a trusted person so that you can look at the support and help you may need to tackle this which could range from Cognitive Behaviour Therapy, medication, to counselling and coaching. In any case speak to the relevant medical professional that will aid your recovery.
We’ll look at a definition and I’ll provide an example on the lighter side of scale.
Now that we understand that “self-sabotage” is actively doing things that prevent us from making progress in our lives. I think it would be helpful to consider and example to reflect on. I’m going to share a personal story. I’ve done a lot of different jobs and I believe that my diverse experiences are a strength. I have not always thought this. There have been periods of my life when I felt like I was in a “bit of a career wilderness”, where a lot of the roles that I was in were not in environments that helped me to thrive professionally.
This had a knock effect on my confidence and self-belief. I want you to imagine this scenario, you’re looking for a new job and you get invited to an interview. Normally this would be great! You’d be thinking all my hard work has paid off. If you are in an “emotional and mental state of low-confidence'', even getting a job interview does not help you because you're in “state of war with your-self”. So you prepare for your interview and think about all the great things you’ve done and why you’re suitable for the job. Guess what happens next? You turn up at the interview and they ask you why are you good fit for the role and something like this comes out of your mouth:
“I think I can do x thing, but I am not very good at it all. I think that I could be. I am not sure I can really do that thing. So, yeah …….”
As you can plainly see, I was actively talking myself out of that job and clearing leaving the panel in no doubt that “on the surface of it” I was not a good for the role, after submitting an application that said I was capable and able!
I’d like you to pause and think about that for a moment. Have you ever done something like my example above? If you have that’s ok, it’s being able to recognise it and work with tools that help you not to do that. Next up we’ll look at the negative thought patterns which are also an integral part to this “personal infliction”.
Negative Thought Patterns
As you recall, Pink sang she was “her worst enemy”! What we think about and our mindset is very important in tackling self-sabotage. You’ll have a tendency to think negatively which is quite deeply ingrained and subconscious. You’ll need to train yourself to catch these thoughts and to replace them. This is not easy at all! You know what’s coming, it takes days, weeks, months or even years to really embed practices to help you change your mindset and your thoughts. The great thing is you can start today!
I’d like to give you some examples of how easy it is to negatively talk about yourself without even realising it. Here are some examples:
Hi My name is X and I do X. I’m not that experienced or senior.
I tend to get discouraged quite easily, but I do try.
I think that bad things tend to happen to me.
I attract bad luck.
I won’t send out my work unless it’s perfect!
Insert your own here.
Can you relate to any of the examples? Try not to say them as this just reinforces negative thought patterns. Work on catching these thoughts and re-framing how you talk about yourself or indeed life. Yep, deep stuff. I urge you to lead a more optimistic life. Try framing things in a more positive way. The more you do it, the easier it will become. Next-up we’ll tackle how thinking about “failure” holds us back.
Fear of Failure
A life without fear is “not a life at all”! What does that mean? How you view failure or how you conceptualise not succeeding has a strong bearing on your ability to be resilient. It’s tough to re-frame how you think about when things don’t go according to plan. It takes concerted effort. It takes, days, weeks and months to really embed thinking in a way that allows you to accept that “it didn’t work and now you’ve got to move on quickly”. It's moving on quickly and not dwelling “in the pit of negativity” which is the skill. I recently did a blog on how fear can be “an ally and an impetus to spur action and personal growth”. In this context we want to process it, quickly and then move forward to new ideas and solutions.
Today, I am going to give you 6 tips on how to slay the “self-saboteur” within you.
1 All of your thoughts are valid - Don’t fear them!
Sounds deep? Funnily enough, sometimes we feel the need to “police our own thoughts”, we think that some thoughts are just unacceptable. In censoring your thoughts you are not allowing yourself to express new ideas, thoughts, or allowing new thinking to surface. This is a tough one and there is no silver bullet. Here I would encourage you to journal and write your thoughts and when you catch yourself thinking, I can’t think that thought - Write it down! Think about it and consider what are the emotional feelings that are blocking you from being able to express that thought. Is it fear, doubt or feelings of inadequacy? Then refer back to this blog and reflect.
2 Manage your Perfectionist Tendencies
Contrary to popular belief there is never going to be a perfect moment to do what you want to do. This by no means doesn’t mean that we should not plan, and take a considered approach to what we want to achieve. Yes to all of that! What I mean here is that there will be always a little voice telling us if you only “had more time, did x,yz or insert your own” it would be perfect! Well guess what? You should look into creating a process that works for you where you assess that “it” is “good enough” and then you must stick by it. Whether it’s that you only spend 20 mins on insta posts, 20 mins before you send out the email or insert your own here. Make a plan and get held accountable on it. You’ll need help with this one. You will fall off the wagon, but that’s ok, because I’ve got you. I’m rooting for you to dust yourself off and try again.
3 Challenge your Negative Thoughts and Beliefs
You need to become really attuned to “catching your negative thoughts” and then working to slay them. You’ll find Week 3 of Sasha Fierce Confidence Building Pilot a helpful resource. It guides you to learn how to “speak up in your mind for yourself”.
4 Be kind to yourself & Self-Care
You will get better at those skills or whatever you fear only if you practice! So find ways to practice and get the experience you need to eliminate your fear. Join a group on your theme and commit to practicing. As always learning or changing how you feel about your fear will take time for you to get to the other side. So be kind, patient and loving towards yourself as you embark on the journey. I know whatever the bumps in the road, that you will complete the journey in your own time and at your own pace.
5 Make a Plan, Take Action & Stay Focused
Procrastination is a thief! Regret is avoidable! You have but one life. So make it one where you DID as many of the things you want to DO. In order to do that, you must make a plan, set goals and deadlines, take action and stay focussed. Get yourself held accountable publicly or privately so that you will achieve your dreams.
6 Be Your No. 1 Cheerleader
You need to learn to back yourself and become your No. 1 Cheerleader. You need to find the tools that aid you in thinking thoughts that serve you. Whether it’s positive affirmations, meditation, spiritual practice or practising gratitude. You need to find the tools that help you to create a positive and optimistic life. So go on, I dare you - Be Your No.1 Cheerleader!
Resources
Feel the Fear and Do it Anyway, by Susan Jeffers
Permission to Feel, By Marc Brackett, Ph.D.
Be Your No. 1 Cheerleader, By Ekua Cant
Address Stress - Mental Health First Aid England
Mind Mental Health Charity - How to manage stress
Contact the Samaritans - Confidential advice