The Mindset to adopt when receiving feedback
A guide to help you consider feedback critically during a global health pandemic. (7 Min Read)
One of the best things that you can do for yourself, is to develop a way to discern which feedback to listen to and which feedback to bin! Oooh, deep! Yes, I went there. Now read the qualifying statements. Like every person I sometimes find it hard to listen to feedback. I mean I am human after all! However I do apply certain practices when I listen to feedback to help me to decide, if I need to take it on-board, or I need to politely thank the person for the feedback and take no action. Hmm, I wonder what process could she be applying? Well, without further ado, I’m going to move swiftly to the theme song for this blog. Now let’s turn to the Woman of the moment, Queen Beyoncé, but who-else! From the Album, The Lion King: The Gift, the powerful power anthem, “Bigger”.
“If you feel insignificant, you better think again
Better wake up because you're part of something way bigger
You're part of something way bigger
Not just a speck in the universe
Not just some words in a bible verse
You are the living word
Ahh, you're part of something way bigger
Bigger than you, bigger than we
Bigger than the picture they framed us to see
But now we see it
And it ain't no secret, no”
I don’t usually comment on the song lyrics, but today, I am going to ask you to reflect on this verse when you consider the feedback that someone gives you. I urge you to think about your bigger picture, what you’re striving for and to know that you’re not alone in having ambitious goals. Even if the person you ask for feedback doesn’t share the same world view. Caveat emporium you do still need to take on-board feedback that stings! Or feedback that shows merit in helping you to achieve your goal, making a pivot or simply make you stop and think “is it time to shut this down, change this way of being, stop spending that money, stop that bad habit, you’ve got it now.”
We're now going to get into the topic of this blog, which is how to be discerning when listening to feedback. We’ll do this by looking at the following topics:
Fear Based Feedback
Culturally Based Feedback
Fear Based Feedback
As Marc Brackett advocates in his book “Permission to Feel”, we should become emotion scientists so we have a better handle “on our own feelings” and those of other people. This is an important thing to consider when you ask for feedback from close family or even close friends. Just like you Mum, these people “usually want the best for you”, but the thing that you have to consider is in them wanting the best for you, this will naturally lead them “to be fearful for you” and this may colour the advice they give to you. In addition to this you’ll also need to consider that the person whom you’re asking feedback from may be more risk averse and therefore the feedback they are likely to give you pertains to their fear for you - “they don’t want you to fail!” I’ve got another big one to drop on this point. Are you ready for it?
“Your Mum/Mom has a maternal fear for you that will never die.”
What I mean by this is that your Mum doesn’t want to see you hurt, fail or sad. So she may say things that do not give you the freedom to learn and grow on your own. What I am saying is she is desperately trying to save you from pain. However in doing so, sometimes she can be blocking you from taking the risk that you need too, so that you can learn, understand more about yourself and what you’re capable of. Let’s just sit with that one for a moment………..
To all Mums out there I have the utmost respect for you. I hope that you give your children all the room they need to make it their own way in the world, whilst knowing that you love and care for them deeply. Let’s now move onto “culturally based feedback”.
Culturally Based Feedback
We are not born into a vacuum. What I mean by that is inherit some of the values and beliefs of family and their communities. What I mean by this is if your family is African, Asian, Greek, Italian, insert a country that has strong cultural values and you’ll be there. To further explain, by using comedy! In comedy certain cultural values are played up to the extreme for comedic effect. In the British SitCom, “Goodness Gracious Me”, about an Asian British family it pokes gentle fun at cultural and generational clashes in Asian British families.
In certain communities there are certain values or traditions which can sometimes clash with “modern life”. Take a look at the list below:
An expectation for Women not to wear short clothing
An expectation that only certain professions are “worthy”, Doctor, Lawyer, Banker
An expectation that you’ll be married by a certain age
An expectation that you’ll have your parents or in-laws living with you
An expectation that you will have children
An expectation that you’ll marry someone from your community
This is really tough and very sensitive. I think that in this area we must all make our own personal choices about how we choose to handle these cultural expectations. What I will say is that we are in control of our own destiny and that we can only change ourselves. With that in mind we must decide what treatment, action or view we will choose to air in public or private. I am very aware of the grave and very serious consequences of going against some of the things “that our cultures hold dear”.
If you are in a position where you feel that your life is in danger or feel threatened or unsafe, please do speak to relevant Authorities, Police, Doctors, Women’s Charities and the Citizens Advice Bureau. I simply ask you to reflect yourself and take the action that you need to take to protect your well-being.
Today I am going to give you 3 tips on how to navigate feedback and make your own judgement on how to move forward.
1 Listen out for “fear based advice”
When you ask for feedback, be sure to listen and qualify “fear based feedback”. Here are some examples:
Isn’t it too risky don’t you think you should try something smaller/do something local.
If you do that you will probably fail. You don’t want to fail do you?
This is really not the right time for that kind of idea. I just don’t think anyone will want that.
Why would you want to move abroad? It’ll be worse over there. They have big problems with unemployment and crime!
You’re not qualified enough to say that/do that/senior enough. Why don’t you just not do it, it’ll be safer that way.
I would hate to see you fail!
If you have statements like the aforementioned, then note that they are fear based. Then ask them if they would ever do something like you want to do. If they say, “No”, then you’ll know that they have a limited world view and they are now unintentionally foisting it onto you.
2 Decide how you will respond (or not to culturally based feedback)
Like I said before this is a very sensitive area. Be very considered in your approach. You can know in your mind that you don’t subscribe to certain practices but not comment or support them. Or you can choose to say that you don’t subscribe to certain practices as long as you do not put your own personal safety or well-being in harm's way. You may choose to move to an area or different country which is not dominated by your community views. However you choose to approach this, make sure that you take a considered approach and look after your personal safety.
3 Take time to get a number of views from different quarters
I know we all know this, so here goes! Step away from your “echo chamber” and ask people that may have different but also insightful feedback for you to muse on. We all know that we tend to ask the same people for feedback. So try asking some different people and see if you get a fresh perspective!
Resources
Permission to Feel, By Marc Brackett, Ph.D.
Feel the Fear and Do it Anyway, by Susan Jeffers